What a morning…

Dogs What a Morning

This morning we had a jailbreak. As I was helping my old dog Koda down the steps to go outside the other two saw an opportunity to run past me out the front door. 

Luckily, Dean (the one who earned a halo) came right back at the mere shake of a cereal box. FOOD?!  But Forrest was on the lam. 

As I started to chase Forrest, Koda began to bark. It was 6 am and he could wake the neighbors. So, I decided to help him into the house. All of the sudden my 13yr old golden has a sudden burst of energy and circled back around with a hop in his step…making sure to step in his dog doo not once, but three times. So, now to clean his feet…then to chase Forrest. 

At this point, I wake up my son for help and we are both attempting to lure him back home.

He’s running yard to yard. I’m chasing him barefoot through muddy ditches. And… why I think I can out run a dog is beyond me.

Finally, he slows down by my neighbor’s house. I’m creeping up on him when I see their cat walk directly behind him.  I’m thinking “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.”

And I’m praying “Please God, do not let him turn around and see that cat.”

He turned around and saw the cat.

So, I’m chasing Forrest, who is chasing the cat, and we end up down the street into the back yards of neigbors I’ve never met before.

And I wonder…  is the husband pouring himself a cup of coffee saying “Hon, ya gotta see this. Some barefoot lady with Phyllis Diller hair is chasing her dog through our back yard.”

It also occurred to me — three years ago the doctor told me I couldn’t run anymore with my bad knee, but I can dammit.

And then I thought “It’s nice back here. They have a tire swing.”

Now the stinking dog is a about to jump over a very large ditch filled with water. And I just look at him. Even he realized, that’s just ridiculous.

Eventually I chase him back into the front lawn and my son suggests I stop chasing him. “Maybe he’ll stop running if you stop chasing him.” Hmmm, he may have a point.

Then, just like in the movie, Forrest stopped running. 🙂

forrest in a gang

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21st Century PSA

brain on drugs posterOne of the most influencial public service announcements (that I can remember) was aired in 1987, the year I graduated from college. It seems like eons ago — because it was. But I still remember it . . . so it was a good one, right?

There was a man holding an egg.
“This is your brain.”

And there was a frying pan.
“This is drugs.”

He cracks the egg into the frying pan. And you hear the sizzle.
“This is your brain on drugs.”

Then there’s a pause.
“Any questions?”

So, I was thinking. It’s now 2016; almost 30 years later. If I was to make a public service announcement today, what would it look like?

I think I know.

 

This is my daughter.

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This is Snapchat.

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This is my daughter on Snapchat.

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ANY QUESTIONS?

 

 

 

 

The Funniest Story I’ve Ever Heard

The other day I had lunch with a friend of mine at one of our favorite restaurants. I always look forward to our lunches; there’s never a dull moment with our animated story telling. Well, on this day — not only did I laugh until I cried – but I may have peed a little.

You see, my friend and I decided to reminisce about our most embarrassing moments. And she told a story that tops all stories in the ‘world of hilarity.’

Like the T.V. show Dragnet… “The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.”

I will call my friend Grace (for reasons that will soon become obvious) and her daughter, Jessie.

A few years back Grace and Jessie were headed to a local department store. It was winter time and the roads were getting pretty sloppy; a big storm was brewing. But Grace lived in Syracuse her whole life, so was used to driving in the snow.

As Grace concentrated on the roads, Jessie was fiddling with the car radio. Jessie suddenly felt a cramp in her side. Luckily it was nothing serious, just a little gas. Fortunately she found some relief — but at the expense of her mother.

Grace said the car smelled like potato chips and she was literally gagging. [Which confused me because potato chips are delicious.] She  wished she could roll down her window and let it escape into the wild, but with the freezing cold temperatures that wasn’t an option.

Jessie was about 14 years old at the time. She’s a sweet girl, very pretty and kind of shy… but has a keen sense of humor like her mother. Jessie noted her mother’s discomfort, so let wind again. And again. And, once more for good measure.

Grace didn’t think it was funny anymore. She pleaded “Jessie, please stop it!” But Jess was a teenager, and found humor in the situation. Her smirk said it all.

When they arrived in the parking lot, Grace couldn’t get the car door open fast enough. The fresh air was a virtual gift from God. She looked forward to getting out of the car and doing a little shopping.

They found the inside of the store to be a ghost town. The pending storm must’ve kept the locals in that night, so they had the place to themselves. Grace and Jessie decided to go their separate ways and meet up later.

As Grace was shopping she felt that all too familiar pang. She was having the same reaction to dinner as Jessie. [Grace had one cookin’.]

Grace thought about the potato chip car ride, her discomfort, and the smug look on her daughter’s face. Then she had an idea. “Why waste it?” she thought, “Why not get me some ‘sweet revenge?’

Jess had mentioned she’d be in the shoe department, so Grace wandered over. She spotted her daughter almost immediately. Jess was so focused on the shoes she didn’t see her mom coming.

In true “007” style, Grace looked to the left, then to the right, checking to make sure the coast was clear. She then crept up beside Jessie. Grace posed herself, raising her derrière just a little, and lifting her leg high in the air. Then she did it. She did the unthinkable…Grace “cut-the-cheese” on her daughter.

TAKE THAT!! Grace shouted loudly.

She was so proud of herself — in her forties and still up for a shenanigan! Grace found herself bent over belly laughing. When she finally looked up, she saw Jessie coming around the corner.

WAIT A MINUTE!!! If THAT’S Jess, who’s this?!

Grace had farted on a stranger.  [And, if you recall, she said “Take that!”]

And when she tried to explain, it didn’t help.
[When you tell a stranger that it’s O.K. because you were ‘trying to fart on your daughter,’ it really doesn’t sound any better. Now, does it?]

The young woman glared at Grace. Let’s just say if her eyes were daggers Grace would not be here today to tell the story.

Grace grabbed Jessie and they ran. Boy did they run! They ran into the men’s department where they hid behind a rack of clothes…laughing until they cried. I’m not sure… but they may have even peed a little. 🙂