Stupid Things I’ve Done

Lately I’ve been reminiscing about all of the stupid things that happen to me. I’m not sure if it’s bad luck, or I’m just going through life waaaaayyyyy too fast.

Most recently I’ve been walking around with a nasty bruise on my arm. Looks as if somebody beat me. But when people ask what happened, I feel obligated to tell the truth — although telling them somebody beat me wouldn’t be as embarrassing.

Well, I ran down the steps in the morning, slipped in a puddle of my dog’s pee and hit my arm on the railing.

Wait it gets better.

Then, I fell backwards, landing on my back in the small lake I call “CosmoKantHoldit” and yes, I cried. The pain, the smell, the drenched clothes….this is my life.

Sometimes things just happen, and I don’t really have any control. For instance, last year I got a birdie in golf. No, I literally “got a birdie” in golf. It was taking off, and my ball clobbered it.

And other times I need to pay more attention. Like when I reached for a delicious Twizzler and accidentally grabbed my red Bic pen. And no, I didn’t eat it. I know plastic when I taste it.

I remember one of the first embarrassing stories I shared on Facebook. It was winter time and I found the front door of my car frozen solid as I was leaving for work. But, I was able to open the back door. I got in and climbed into the front seat. Well, I slipped and my ass landed on the car horn. If I remember correctly the horn sounded like “Hey, all you neighbors in your driveways heading to work…looky over here!” 

Then there was the time I was leaving work, walking to my car and drinking a bottle of water. I bent over to rummage through my purse looking for my keys and poured the whole bottle of water into the bag. Now, that was a dumb blonde move for sure.

However, I must say, the best one was when my friends and I were heading home from Boston and we took a break at a rest stop. I was a little hungry and decided to get something healthy, instead of a greasy burger. So, I grabbed an apple out of a barrel in one of the shops, and was all proud of myself for eating right. When I got into the car and took a bite I realized it was styrofoam (see my little bite mark?). APPLE

No wonder it seemed like it wasn’t the right weight for a delicious piece of fruit. Now tell me this…why, oh why, would you have a huge display of fake apples? …and let me buy one?! SEE? THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD EAT BIG MACS!

There are so many more — but this is definitely enough sharing for tonight.

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He Said What?

The other day I was reading a post entitled Out of the Mouths of Babes. If you’re a parent, you’ve had a moment where your kid says something so embarrassing you wish you could shrink to the size of a bug and fly away. Even though I have four children, all of the moments that came to mind involved only one…my son, Michael.

There’s a couple of things you need to know about Michael.

  1. He was born with perfect comedic timing.
  2. He has a brain like a sponge, and can regurgitate information at a moment’s notice. (Name a movie and he’ll tell you the actors’ names, the characters they played, and famous quotes from the movie like he just studied for an exam.)

I remember this first story as if it was yesterday.

Michael and I were in a card shop and I was waiting in line at the register. He was three years old. He turned to me and asked loudly “Mommy, why did you fart?!” Ok, first…I didn’t.  And, second…how do you get out of that one?

Looking back, I don’t know why I handled it this way… but I decided to defend myself — in front of a crowd of people. “What? I didn’t fart!” The more I heard myself saying those words out loud, the more humiliated I became, and I sounded like I was lying.

When I got to the cashier, she was doubled over the register laughing. I didn’t learn my lesson. I said it again…“BUT, I DIDN’T FART!!” pleading with her to believe me. And she replied… “Kids are so honest, aren’t they?”

I gave up.

I walked sheepishly to the car with my face as red as a cranberry. Once inside I asked him… “Michael, why did you say that?” His response. “Oh, I know you didn’t. But the lady in front of us did.”

I wasn’t present for this second story. But it’s one for the history books.

My brother, Rick, decided to take Michael to McDonalds for lunch. When the cashier reached out her arm to give my brother his change, he decided to lift Michael up and let her give the money directly to him, for keeps.

As the women stood waiting to drop the change into Mikey’s palm, he keep the changelooked at her and said… “Keep the change, you filthy animal.” [We all remember that line from Home Alone, don’t we?] My brother said he dropped to the floor laughing. I’m glad somebody did. Ugg.

And for the grand finale….

We were staying at my parent’s house, and my dad was at the dining room table going over paperwork with a woman who was purchasing a piece of property from him. Michael was watching television in the next room. When I walked past the dining room I said hello to the woman. She didn’t acknowledge me. My dad seemed agitated…a bit on edge. Something was wrong.

After my dad saw her out, he shut the door calmly, then slowly turned around. “Well…YOUR son almost blew a property deal for me tonight.” What? Now, how could a toddler do that?

He continued… “YOUR son wandered into the dining room and proudly announced to the woman ‘My mom thinks you’re full of crap!’

Well, that explains the cold shoulder.

I assured my dad that I never even met that woman before in my life. I asked Mikey, yet again, why he said such a thing. His answer…“The boy at the birthday party on TV said it to the Ghostbusters2_2Ghostbusters. The boy’s dad thought they were full of crap!” [Ghostbusters 2]

I’m pretty sure this is when I started purchasing an extensive collection of Sesame Street tapes.

That Awkward Moment When….

  • you’re brushing your teeth at a friend’s house and look down to see YOUR toothbrush still on the counter.
  • you return clothes to a store and they announce “You can’t return these. You didn’t buy them here.”
  • you smell poo during a work interview and realize it’s on the medallion of your necklace from the baby’s morning diaper change.
  • you change out of your clothes and find the chocolate you ate in the car must’ve dropped onto the seat and you were sitting in it.
  • you’re at work and notice that you’re wearing two different shoes.
  • you realize the webcam is on as you log onto a national conference from home, and you’re sitting at your desk in just a towel.
  • you rack up $250 in groceries and your wallet is in your other purse.
  • you get your kids on the bus then find yourself locked out of the house in your bathrobe …just your bathrobe.
  • you forget where you are for a split second and burp out loud at work.
  • you sing your heart out on the way to work, then see that you never hung up your cell phone when leaving a message on the school’s answering machine when you called your child in sick.Some of these are personal experiences — some shared —  hope they all made you smile. 🙂